I’ve been crying all day. A holiday is coming this weekend and it brings so many emotions. I love holidays; we always do holidays big with family and friends and celebrating. As I’ve said before celebrating in the midst of sorrow sometimes knocks the wind out of you.
This week my sister had an operation and each time she sees another doctor we are given a more clear picture of current pain she has. Again, the wind gets knocked out.
This weekend is Lillian’s fourth birthday and all I can think about is Katie carrying Lillian around my house on her third birthday party last year. I’m reminded of my kids loss as they miss their Aunt Katie, who they’re used to talking to every day. I think of how she knows baby Judah but not toddler Judah. Again, the wind gets knocked right out of me.
Then I think of Easter. I was sitting in my sunroom this morning with a sore throat watching the littles play. I started thinking, ‘if only I could have Jesus AND normal Katie’. That sounded ridiculous in my head. Then I was reminded of a dear friend mourning the loss of her baby. So I thought, ‘okay maybe Jesus, normal katie, and Lucas”. Before I knew it, everyone I know whose hurting was added to the list and the world somehow got smaller. A neighbor, two cousins fighting for their lives with cancer, racism ending, child sex slavery being abolished, nobody in the world in lack of food, shelter, and safety’. The breath kept getting knocked out of me as the world got smaller and smaller. We may not know anyone with the same diagnosis as Kate but we are in the middle of a world ravaged with suffering.
I very quickly saw the entire list fade away as I was reminded of Easter. I get to have all of the things I want because of Easter. I was reminded that my timing is just that, my timing. I was reminded of eternity with restored bodies, fulfilled needs, holy relationships, and unity. I was reminded of Easter because it means that we get to have it all forever and ever. That this life will pass and we get to live in restoration.
Lillian was telling me the Easter story this week and I asked her if she wanted God to live in her heart. She said “yes!” So I suggested she ask God to live in her heart. “God, get in my heart, amen”. It was hysterical and bossy and oh, so, Lillian but it reminded me of the power we have as Christians. It’s not always in ways we want it but it’s in good ways. Our lives here are short. They are filled with suffering and joy, glimpses of the miraculous, and breath being knocked out of us. We have the power to help bring Heaven to earth now but we also get to long for Heaven, with full restoration. That in itself is a joy and even more, is enough. Jesus. Period. Nothing else. He’s enough.