About nine months ago a few of my friends from college decided we would go to the Belong Tour In Philly. (The funny thing is three of us live in the same neighborhood and walk to each other’s houses. Step 1:go to college, step 2: buy houses in 1/2 mile radius so you can pretend you never are leaving college) Anyway, a few of us really love Jen Hatmaker and it seemed like the perfect reason to take 24 hours and be us again without our families. Fast forward to a really bad summer and I was looking forward to the short trip away.
By Friday of last week I was not a puddle but a river of tears. Id been trying to visit Kate for a full week and it just seemed like the entire world was plotting against me. Our tenant decided to tell us he was breaking our lease, we found out we needed to have our sewer line replaced in our rental, a thousand schedule issues came up and by Friday I was a mess. I finally asked a friend to watch Elle and Jay and I were off to visit my sister.
There’s something about the drive to see her. I sob the whole time. It’s a mix of anxiety about the whole situation, I’m reminded of how normal we were when we were at the OBX a few short months ago when all of this happened. (I vow to never set foot there again.) I think about the loss I feel daily, how I miss her. I think about her kids and husband and pray for them. I pray that when I show up something would be different or cool or we’d have some type of neat connection. I sometimes tell the story in my mind of the last few months to see what new things have happened since the last time I visited. Then I try my very hardest to give Kate to God. I feel like Abraham offering Isaac over and over to God and it doesn’t get easier. The hardest part is it doesn’t feel yet like he’s told me to stop.
Anyway, I strapped Judah into the ergo, kiss his sweet head as he sucks his thumb and snuggles into my chest. Then we start the walk in to visit. We sign in and get the dumb visitor tag then turn all of the turns to get to her room. Deep breath in and I see her in her wheelchair. I look over and my dad is talking to the PT. as always I introduce myself and she says as everyone does “you look alike”. I smile and think ‘Kate loves when people say I look older’ so just for Kate I tell her I’m younger and wink. She’s rolling her eyes on the inside, I know it.
Then I ask the PT how she did today and the PT tells me a miracle. She doesn’t tell me it’s a miracle, of course, but it is. Something that wasnn’t going to ever heal is healing and they’ve done nothing to help; its just working now when it didn’t before. Of course I cry again. I bend down to Kate with my Jay in my arms and tell her how awesome it is that Gods healing her day by day. It was a good Friday.
Before I knew it we were on the road to Philly. We go to the tour on Friday and at breakfast Saturday we decide next time we go away we want no agenda, just time away with honesty and tears and maybe a beach. We go to day two of the conference and it was fine, nothing blowing us away. Jen Hatmaker ended up not being able to attend our specific conference in the tour (gasp!) but they had someone else. Glennon Doyle Melton was there! A friend just sent me her book, Love Warrior, last week and she just acted like we were having a conversation across a table from one another!
Have you ever had one of those days that everything changes? You were living your life and them BAM nothing will ever be the same?
Yep. June 26th
Do you have some kind of pain that has just rerouted your life and you have the opportunity to walk toward it or run?
Why, yes. Everyday
I suggest you walk toward it, here’s why…*
It was craziness. I sobbed for the entire presentation. Her pain is different; a betrayal, a marriage collapsing, it’s not the same. But pain is pain and I was just with her, hanging on to every word! I felt like God sent her to that conference just for me and I was so grateful.
We left the conference, spilled our guts some on the way home. I got home to a sick baby, by Sunday night had two sick kids.
I spent a few hours this morning pushing my kids in the stroller at the mall while I made phone calls to ten different plumbers trying to get quotes for the sewer. My dad texted me that Kate went up FIVE POINTS in the coma recovery scale in the last ten days. She’s dropped a few the week before but she is still 4 points more than she has ever been before and it seems like God is just hollering, “you better keep watch or you’re going to miss it!”
So I’m exhausted. Trying to not get sick and starting another crazy week.