I’m having all my **feelings** again. My sister has had some great progress the last few weeks. She got her trach out. I could write a whole post about that! We were told several months ago that it wouldn’t happen. Crushed vocal chords and no lung strength and God intervened.
Then a few days ago she WROTE “love”. Then “Vera”. (Vera was sitting with her, coloring). It’s crazy because there are SO many things she can’t do. If I asked her to scratch her chin she couldn’t. BUT SHES WRITING.
The most shocking thing is during a massage the other day she said “no” out loud when a particularly sensitive muscle was being worked on. Eleven months without a word and then all of the sudden, she spoke!
I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I almost felt myself praying “God this is so cool it’s worth not having the instant miraculous healing. We get to be along for the ride.” A small percentage of myself may believe that if this was in a vacuum. But it’s not! She’s a mommy. Sob.
The hardest part of the last 11 months has been her absence in that role. Her children ache for her restoration. We talk about it daily, then we pray together for it, then we share memories and ask questions and we miss her together. I can try my hardest to be a stand in but I know kate and she is torn apart being away. Her kids and husband are devastated by her absence in the day to day.
She’s still a mom. She’s a mom because two years ago she sat me down and made me promise to watch her babies if anything ever happened to her. She’s a mom when she holds it together while they visit. She’s a mom as she prays in her head for them. She was a mom when the first word she ever wrote again was “love” in the presence of her squishy two-year-old girl baby.
Mother’s Day brings mixed emotions for most. As I get older I have so many friends that have miscarried, others are single moms, still others are having trouble conceiving. We’ve all had a picture of how life was supposed to be when we grew up and I don’t know anyone who is living it out. It’s not as easy as the pictures we drew as kids.
If there is one thing I’m thankful for in the past eleven months it’s a shift in focus. Somehow God keeps reminding me to walk through this life with my eyes on eternity.
I was reading Psalm 91:9-14 tonight.
“9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he[a] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.”
Now I am no theologian but when I read this through the lense of last years frame of reference I was pissed. I could cross it out and write in a big sharpie, “WHAT ABOUT KATIE???”.
Thankfully I’m this years Ashley. “No harm overtaking” read through the lense of eternity is quite different. Nobody can take forever in a redeemed body away from her. Period. She’s promised a forever. “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways”. When I read that in light of eternity I think of Katie’s mind, her hope, her faith being guarded. The list goes on.
Don’t get me wrong. I pray daily for katie to be redeemed and restored now. I beg God to miraculously heal her as I sit next to her. It hasn’t happened yet. I truly believe she will continue healing but even if it all stopped today it’s not the end of her story. Mom may be one of her favorite roles on earth but it will continue to pale in comparison to Daughter of the King.
This holiday can bring a world of hurt, it has caused some serious tears the last several days as I continue to mourn the last eleven months and all Katie is missing. But we don’t have to focus on today and what was supposed to be and isn’t. We can focus on what is and what will be.
Photo cred: Arpasi Photography