Anything

I was running a bit late for a massage a friend gifted me to help in the midst of the chaos. Friends are so good. Anyway, my mom texted me something about my sister that in the grand scheme of life doesn’t matter but it wasn’t what I was hoping. My gps took me dramatically past the massage place and when I got there I was a heap of bleh. So I layed down and said simply, “God, I’m trapped here. You have my attention for the next 60 minutes; a captive audience. Say something. Do something. Anything. Just help. Let me in on the plan.”

I say things like this all of the time and usually nothing happens. I almost missed it today when it happened. Before I knew it I was thinking about simplicity and how nice it would be to have a membership to this massage place to get them more regularly, then I was wondering if I had any expenses I could give up in order to get this membership (No), then before I knew it I had an image in my head of the cover of the book, Anything. I’ve written about this book before and how it was a great book to get me thinking. Anyway-my thoughts IMMEDIATELY went to “Ashley, you said I could have anything, even your health. You don’t mean that, you wont give me Kate. You wont trust me with her.” I immediately had tears seeping out of the corners of my eyes, getting my hair wet as this nice lady was rubbing my feet. Hoping she couldn’t see me, I tried my best not to let out a single sob. Caught. He was right, I vowed anything and if this was a test I would be failing miserably. A lot of the time I really do trust God with Kate and her family. But sometimes I want in on the plan. I NEED in on the plan.

This week preschool started and I could barely keep my jaw clenched tight enough to not totally come unglued in front of the preschool director as she asked how my sister was. Seems like such an easy question, I answer it all of the time. But for some reason having to explain it all over again to somebody new feels too heavy to bare.  Then I took those sweet first day of school pictures and had to reapply my mascara, its just too much. Shes supposed to be doing this and I feel like a thief sometimes, robbing all of the memories while knowing I have them so I can share them. So weeks like this I {think I} need a bit more information, a vague road map, even, from God and usually He doesn’t give it to me. But at least He’s not silent. At least I got a glimpse of how I’m not holding up my end of the promise, how He’s trustworthy and I can believe that, no matter how He chooses to show His grace.

I was praying over Kate this afternoon with a friend. Because of Ann Voskamp, I figured I better start with praise if I’m ever going to see my joy. I was so immediately flooded with a thousand things to thank God for. All of the miracles He’s already performed with Kate, the way He’s protected her sweet babies, the ways He’s provided preschool for them, the way her husband has the strength of three men for an equally enormous job description he’s been given this summer. There is so much to be thankful for and as I spoke them over her, hoping she agreed, I did feel a pressure release. As I continued praying; more miracles, more healing, no pain, etc. etc. she nodded her head along. Like any two people bound by faith it felt like the most normal thing in the world to just be sitting there praying. Its easy to forget how far we’ve come and sometimes, thankfully, its easy to forget how far we go. We get glimmers of normalcy and huge progress and its just so overwhelming. All I can pray is “Thank you, God, more!”