I’ve had a kind of backwards way of learning to worship. I’ve been thrown into it. I didn’t grow up going to church consistently and didn’t really start to experience worship through music until high school. I would still say I’ve been slow to let myself be impacted through it. Until Dee. By the way, my mom is very troubled that I’ve been referring to him as “Dee” in this blog since that is a girls name. I don’t know how to change it at this point. Maybe it should just be “D”.
Back to the process. I totally fell in love with “D” while watching him lead worship at our church. He and I were barely acquaintances when I started going to Horizon and there was something captivating about him leading worship. I trusted him (while thinking he was adorable). That may sound weird, like I didn’t trust other people but I just remember thinking that I believed he meant the words he was singing. Like he was able to worship while leading a congregation in worship. He would be first to say that it was a process and the first few years he was terrified and felt ill-equipped. I guess I started going to Horizon once he was on the up-swing.
Fast forward a few years and babies later and it was quite the experience this morning. D was leading worship at our church and I have been going to the family/overflow room since Jay was born so he wouldn’t be disruptive. I have loud children. But today I felt like trying him out in the service during worship and oh my, the babe did not disappoint. It was the sweetest twenty minutes I have had in a long time. First of all, it is so magical for your kids to realize that their dad is singing in the same room even though they don’t understand it. Jay could hear D and was falling out of my arms trying to get closer to him. He eventually realized that I was not letting him go and so he found his thumb and rested his head on my chest. Before I knew it, I was singing along…” You’re a good, good father, its who you are…”, watching my baby swing his legs along to the music, and in came the tears. Holding this precious baby, singing along to the sound of my husband, to our God who gave it all to me. Who chose me out of the billions to live this sweet life that sometimes just takes every shred of patience I have. Talk about worship. It was crazy.
So here I am, a few hours later, remembering being pregnant during this thankful/Christmassy season with both of my babies. Remembering, the kicks as I heard stories of Mary and this baby that would be born to save the world. My kids are pretty great but I truly have no grandiose expectations for them saving anything. Still, somehow, marveling at the miracle of it all. This family, this life, these fat baby hands I’m wrapped around, hands that for a while I doubted I’d ever get to hold, its all just a jumble of feelings, and thankfulness, and anticipation, and hoping and begging that I’ll get to be around forever to watch it all unfold, these little lives. On my hardest day, and I’ve had some whoppers the last few months, I wonder what its all for but gosh when I get those twenty minutes it somehow all makes sense again.
Have you ever tried it?
Just listening and being open to it all? I dare you.
Two songs are consistently making me feel all the feelings lately.
“Good, Good Father” By Housefires II
“It is Well” by Bethel music